The Change I Didn’t Choose

Some days, I feel like I run on empty.

Like, house full of hungry boys and no cereal-  EMPTY.

That, after taking care of everyone else, my “cup” runs dry.  Some days, basic hygiene seems to be more than I can bear.

I mean, let’s be real, putting real pants on is too much some days.

Luckily, today is Tuesday and that means I get to fill-up my “cup”.  On the military base where we live, there is a program called PWOC that helps provide just what my soul needs: laughter, friendships, FOOD, music, and for me, a little bit of Jesus.

Today, however, was different. I had an opportunity to try and re-fill other women’s  “cups”.

The theme that PWOC is running on this year is all about transformations.  All kinds of transformations; changes.

Despite being nervous, I felt compelled to talk about the choices we didn’t choose.

Many of our transformations are intentional choices… pre-meditated plans for change.

These choices might be a new workout program with the goal to “transform” your body.  Or, maybe its the choice to enroll in school or attend church for the first time to ‘better’ yourself… to transform into something more.

Whatever it may be, there are many times that we make intentional choices with the end-goal being a transformation.  Sometimes we have to put a LOT of work in order to complete our transformation.

But, what about the times that life happens…when Satan throws a wrench in our worldly plans, and without knowing it, we are transformed?

Without consent, your heart and your mind, and your body are changed into something or someone different.

How you carry that heavy load will determine what happens.

If you know me, or you’ve read any of my other blogs, you know that some pretty unthinkable things have happened in my life.  Growing up in a meth-addicted family is never easy.  Burying my father and my brother on separate occasions due to unexpected deaths was rough.  But, none of that seemed to cause the transformation that I’m talking about… Not until last year when our son died.

Without warning, without being able to prepare, my world changed.

I didn’t choose this change.

Christopher was a happy, sweet, 15 month old boy. He was smart, handsome, and he completed our family. And, Easter morning, a day we had looked forward to for weeks, and he simply didn’t wake up.  18 months later, we still don’t have any answers.

I had no way of knowing it then, but that day I started a transformation that is still taking place.

Maybe you, too, have gone through something unthinkable.  Maybe, someone hurt you.  Maybe you’ve overcome addiction, abuse, poverty, or depression.  Maybe, like me, you’ve lost a child or pregnancy or struggle with infertility.

Maybe you are going through that RIGHT now.

And, what I want you to know, is that where you turn and who you turn to, will determine how your transformation plays out.

Now, I’m no expert on the Bible or on prayer, I am just a woman who prays and I know that the God that we serve will never, ever leave your side.

When our lives are flipped upside down, Satan so easily can slip into our minds and whisper lies to us…. Make us think that God has left us when in fact; God is the one carrying us.

If during your storm, or after your storm, you put your brokenness, your faith, into a relationship on THIS world, you will be let down.  No one will comfort you or give you peace, like Jesus.

No one.

People have often said to me, after my loss, God will never give you more than you can handle, and y’all, that just isn’t true.  And, until just a few weeks ago I didn’t have anything to respond with…(Thank you, Deanna)

But, here is the truth that I want you to hear:  God will never give us more than HE can handle.  We are strong because he infuses us with His strength.

So, whatever unintentional transformation is taking place in your life, where you draw your strength will determine how things play out and ultimately, the type of transformation that takes place.

And, your transformation may be the very thing that helps someone else experiencing the same trials you experienced make it to through to the next day.

“Transformed people, transform people.”  -Richard Rohr



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