Lately my mind feels like a child’s toy box; highly unorganized and full of clutter. I forget to pay bills, to make phone calls, and even to eat which I didn’t even know was a real thing. I am troubled by vivid images of how I found my son in his bed Easter morning. I am terrified to check on my older children while they sleep for fear of what I might find. Each morning is a struggle to pass by Christopher’s empty room. Every part of my body yearns for my son to be in my arms. I hate to sound like a broken record but this is my reality. This is my Hell. What I wouldn’t give to have his smiling face greet me as I walk into a room! Christopher’s absence is one that I’m not sure I’ll ever, ever get over. To make matters worse, one of the most influential women in my life, my mother-in-law, was taken from us less than 2 months after our son died. She wasn’t just my mother-in-law, she was my friend, an amazing grandmother to my boys, and my mentor. When I was lost, she could guide me. Our hearts are absolutely broken.
Despite my cluttered, ever distracted mind, I keep finding myself drawn to a bible verse, Hebrews 6:19. Now, I realize that this is very popular verse but I am merely a “baby Christian.” I have very little scripture knowledge, therefore, this verse is new to me. No matter where I go, I stumble over its words. As I scroll through craft projects on Pinterest posts, as I walk through the aisles of Hobby Lobby, and even while doing the dishes the words flash through my mind.
I can’t get over the words promised to us.
Life has seemed a little unfair lately… saying that is a bit of an understatement. We have lost so much in such a short amount of time. I surely don’t expect everything to go well now or any other time. Its all just been too much, too soon. I’ve been told a lot through these losses that things could always be ‘worse’; although, that might be my least favorite form of comfort I have received so far. Because, I’m not aware of anything more painful to a parent than losing their child and then to compound that pain, for the same parent to bury their mother (my mother-in-law). All in less than 60 days. The only thing keeping me going is hope.
In the biblical sense, hope isn’t about wanting or wishing for something. No, it is a firm guarantee in God’s promises when things are unclear or uncertain. God promises to never leave me. He has promises of love, comfort, and healing the brokenhearted. I may not be able to quote scripture or decipher the meaning of each book in the bible but, my hope in God’s word allows me to wake each morning to care for my husband and older boys. My hope gives me the courage to sneak in and check on them while they sleep. Hope helps me make it through each day without giving up.
So, as the purpose for the recent devastation in my life seems unclear, ‘hope’ is all that is keeping me anchored.